like DZEAMNN!

Do you know why we engage in drugs and alcohol? Do things with boys we don't even like? Are constantly out even with no downtime? Its because this fast life is an easy distraction to how I really feel. And if you ever felt like I felt, you know EXACTLY what I mean.

not what i want, but what i gotta

A dude will do whatever he pleases, but in his mind he'll know what he want. If he really wants someting, he'll work for it, earn it, and gettttt it! No matter how much other chances/oppurtunites he has in store.. He'd do what he feels is right, and good for him. He'll be persistent, and decide what he truly wants// Maybe after realizing, learning, gaining, and experiencing a few more things. However this turns out, it'll be for the best. I just wanna see if what you say isss true, and if it is.. TRUSTTTTT THAT YOU'D LET MEEEE KNOW, even if we ain't together. Just cos we ain't together don't mean WE AIN'T COMMITED. I love you with all of my heart, deep down I can feel it in my soul. But do you think you feel it in yours? To want somethinnnng so bad, you'll do whatever it takes. Well I sure am, that's why I'm doing this.
I've stuck with you, regardless. No matter what, I've held you down. What do you think that means and proves? A LOTTTTT... But yet, I knwo you'll think otherwise. But it's not like that. Like I said " I don't believe it till' i see it." Even if I ain't with you.. don't mean you shouldn't still be how you were like when you were in it. But itzzzzzup to youuu! I ain't making a easy way outtt, I ain't doing this FOR NOTHING!? IM DOING IT TO SEE IF YOU'LL ACTUALLY SHOW AND PROVE!! This is not fucking revenge, I don't neeed to get even. There's no point, and I sure as hell ain't tryna get back... Do you not see I'd only get back with you? Take you back, let you come back! YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING, LOST ME! IM STILLL FUCKING HERE! YOUR JUST scared of losing me, when I'm more scared of you losing yourself.. Which I hope won't happen, but that's on you yet again! I hope you don't slipppp..

"if you treat me fairly i'll give you all my goods, treat you like a real woman should. baby, I know you're worth it. if you never play me, promise not to bluff. i'll hold you down when shit gets rough. baby, I know you're worth it. i'd roll the mile, make you smile, all the while being true don't take for granted the passion that i have for you"

I dont believe it, till I see it.

And she done heard so many lies. She don't know what's true or not.
Shawty like a valet service, I swear she been through A LOT.

To let go&CLEANSE THE SOUL.

To err is human; to forgive is interplanetary.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

AMEN.

Forgiveness, acceptence, and change.

I've forgiven him completely, yet for her.. I still keep praying, and yet she still tempts me. Even without tryin' to do so. Everytime I think about it, her, what happened.. It makes my adrenaline pump, my blood, and veins.. She makes me feel hyped. And it's funny... And I know she may have told me most of the shit that went down, but you don't try to act like your all innocent and an angel. I see past FACE, and look at value. And you aren't worth shit! You make it seem like you didn't do shit PERIOD!? When actually, your still the same desperate pathetic skank I always thought you were.. MMMmmmm mmmm! And whatta shammmeeeee... Nor' do I make myself seem so important, do I have to twist&makestuff. Cos none of that was real. It's not talking shit either, it's the pure truth. Cos your nothing but a lie, trying to act like the victim. You were just a mistake. And I'm sorry, nor' does he regret it. It's a lesson learn(I hope). &I will get mines oneeee day, I count on it. And I'll be leaving a mark, just as you did on mines.. But worse, on your face. And I mean that, every WORD. Cos you don't tamper with what's mines and expect to get away with it so easy. Don't underestimate me sweeeeettttaayyy. I ain't dumb.. You are, hahahah. Cos I still got mines, and what do you have? NOTHING. I'm the winnner, and sadlyyyyy.. You're the loserrrrr, cos you ain't got what you wanted. And atleast, I have the utt-most self respect for myself.. Rather than be you or even act like you and disrespect myself and body. That's a damn pity, but I ain't no simp..

TRUST is

Most important, but most def. the hardest to grasp.

How do you do it?

The pain I'm concealing, sure as hell has no real healing. It's gonna be in back of my mind 24/7, all of it! I wasn't ready fro all that shit in the beginning over the other's mistakes, but trusttt.. THAT IT HIT ME HARRRD! Tho' I promised myself I wouldn't deal with that typeee bullshit shit anymore, I delt with it. But I'm back better and stronger, and prepared. Cos it's still wow... something I can't imagine. I still can't believe it. But no one's innocent, even if that's the image you portray and what you make yourself seem like. Just sometimes a guy gets all wrapped up and fucking curious, that they take any oppurtunity they can get.. Which is a real shame, and pity. When they know they got a good thang' thatll always stick by their side. Thats why guys neeed to control that shit in their pants and keep it there!.. Cos girls are getting tired of it.. All the dumb shit you putem' through. You don;t needa take every chance you get.. you don't have to, don't got to. It's cos YOU WANT TO.

Yet, everybody makes mistakes. So understandable.. But fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME. So let the damn games begin if you wanna play, but I don't like to play games.. I want something real. I just want honesty, trust, and what I've given you(for me to receive). It's not good to feel like this, I have accepted and trying to forget about it again.. But I'm not tryna put myself up to get hurt a second time and 10045789times worse.. Dude? Cmon' now.. It'll hit me when I can cool down and cool oofffff, but just know I got my guard up for the right reasons. NOT THE WRONG ONES. I know what I want, and I've told you many timees... But sometimes, I feel doubt.

Lately I just been having some bad dreams, sucks how it's always about him.. doing some stupid shit.-______________- People say "Idk, how you do it jessica?" Shittttt, idk how I do either.. But I guess my love is actually that real and that fuckkking strong to stick with a dudeeee who has done me sooo wronggg, when I just want him to actually OPEN HIS EYES AND SEE WHAT HE HAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, not all around him. Cos I CAN SEE what we can be, BUT IT all matters on IF HE DOES AS MUCH AS I DO... Cos honestly, from what I know and see now. I will never actually knwo the truth. And it sucks, yes..

But I made my choice with what I want,

I just hope he actually has learned and realizes and does shit right this time..

We'd never know what's wrong without the pain.

It's tough to sustain a feeling once it's been expressed. Though I lean towards peace and simple pleasure, but stability is hard to find cos whats hit me mentally from my past.

Kno she in the game, But Kno she don't play.

"She known to be a cheater but that's only if you let her and I got it together so when they try to deter me its like whatever" DRIZZY

If you want what you want, you have to give me what I WANT.

LAST TRY/LAST CHANCE

Ashley is right and wise, hellla. Its time to accept and forgive,
I don't wanna be filled with bittterness and hate.. I'ma just pray for the girl.

FORGIVENESS.

Do your part,

Don't dishearten things, like you did before.. Cos' this is your last chance. Show me all you got and gimme' all you got. Give me your best, like I did. If you really want something you'll get it, and not just try.. But TRY HARD for it, and actually earn and deserve it.

Disheartened - made less hopeful or enthusiastic;felt discouraged by the magnitude of the problem

Real eyes realize real lies like I said,

The eyes can tell soo much, cos I swear.. They lead to the soul. And I see passed all the bullshit. Though I was in denial, and TRYING to believe everything you'd say it didn't work.. It didn't feel right, to try and forget about it, to pretend liek it never happen, to just leave it without explanation. None of it made sense. All you did was make things up, leave things out. You even made promises, brokem' all over again.. Swore, and made it seemed like "You don't believe me" blahhhblahhh-.- Whole truth? That was a little of the truth, not all. MOST OF IT ALL, WAS LIES. And to find it all out from someone I don't know. SOMEONE you made seem all bad. You made them seem like they DID EVERYTHING!? When my dear, it takes to. Don't play a player, they say.. I may not be a player, but I sure as hell know the game but I ain't one to play games. But I ain't blind, nor dumb or stupid. I've known you for how long.. I've been with you how long.. And been through soo much crap with you!? And you acted all innnocent. You were guility before being proved innocent.. No one is a bad person, no one is perfect. WE JUST MAKE BAD DECISIONS, were human. but IDGAF if you can't change it, you coulda PREVENTED IT. And I swore I knew you better, but I still know you. I still see the good in you overall. Better than any chick or homie I will always fucking know you, THE REAL YOU.. Don't fuck with me when it comes out with spilling the beans, cos I'll CAN OPEN THAT SHIT QUICK AS A MOFO! I've done soo much.. And you don't get it. I was willing to do a lot, drop it all and get over it. Just for you to be completly honest, YET YOU COULDN'T DO THAT but let me down over and over again! What does that show ? What does that prove? NOTHING! Just that it was all a BIG FATTTT LIEEEE! I KNOW YOU WERE SCARED TO LOSE, But you just lost so much all over again. Maybe not me, but my trust.. And you gotta gain and earn that all back. And gainging my trust back is hard.. it ain't easy. And that was your fault, you don't blame other people for your decisions. You had no excuse or reasons, for your actions or reactions. You didn't make yourself look bad, or go on a bad path. If your friends were so real, they would tell you wssup. Be upfront, not encourage(whether or not they did), not just let you do whatever if they care sooo much. BUT THEY'D TALK TO YOU, RO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. We all knwo right from wrong, and I know they do just like you. And they couldn't stop you? Start making a change for the good, and don't go back on the wrong path. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.. And if you want me, that means ACTUALLY GIVE ME BACK WHAT I GIVE YOU.. TRUST. HONESTY. RESPECT. FAIRNESS. YOUR BEST! cOS i DID MY PART A LOOONG TIME AGO, EVEN TILL NOW... Now it's your turn.

You should actually show that your appreciative, grateful and thankful. And if I don't see that, Idk why I'm here.. SO show and prove it to me for once, and just quit with all the bullshit, This is the last straw, and I'm gettting tired.. YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A PERSON SO FAR LIKE, YOU SAID. So take that in.

Beautiful Happenings.

It's getting better day by day, and I can now say LIFE IS GRAND. He is golden, and my friends are the shiz. I'm happy to see I still great friendships' going on even if we don't hang or tak too much. I've found tranquility and myself. I'm much more happier with how I'm handling things and am being nowadays. Instead of being mad, I'd rather be glad. I can't even be upset anymore, it just turns into a smile and laughter. Cos' its not that serious..!? I like the fact that there's something to look forward to the next day. Who brightens your day, and leaves you joy-filled. Someone who is an inspiration and also a motivation. I have determination in me that I've never felt before. Maybe it is true what they say...

You have to go through the worse before it gets better.