No one sees what I see.

So I guess something's getting to me a bit. How the word "hypocrite" describes me.. I guess, I am. Idknow.-.- It's bugging my membrane though, I mean hellla. I am a forgiving person but when I'm mad. I'm realll mad! And I seem to speak out my throat A LOTTTT. Madness is one word to put it. What I felt was hurt, and pain. Yet, I still can forgive. I've learned a lot during these past yrs. and that is forgiving is the hardest things but tho' it is.. You have to do it also to forgive yourself and move along. I may have said a lot of things, but I had every right too. And none whatsoever was talking shit, it was the truth. His name was like a bad taste in my mouth, but even if things have a bad taste.. The aftertaste is still left there. And I guess, it still buggged me. It wasn't hard to get over, I tried. And I ain't I still love the dude. I admit. He did me wrong, yeah he did all I never imagined he would. It was alll unexpected, but so did I. I didn't let it go any farther though, and I'm proud of myself. Though everyone looks at him bad.. I know him well, I know him like no one else does. "I can't NOT KNOW HIM", LIKE I ONCE SAID BEFORE OR EVEN TWICE. He can't be a stranger in my life, after all that? I can pass him by, I can ignore him, even avoid him. I CAN DOOOOO ALLL THAT. But tt ain't all that easy for me to let go.. not just of what we had.. But the friendship. I still see a lot in him, and through him though he left me with a letdown.. And dissapointment, there was a point where I didn't know him anymore. But thing is.. I still see theeeeeeee GOOD IN HIM. THE TRYING. THE PROVING. The eyes are the windows to the soul.. BEST BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE I FUCKING SEEE IT. AND I SEE IT CLEAR, that he is sorry. And I've forgiven now all I got left is to just take it in. I didn't waste my time, cos I played him at his own game. And that's one thing YOU ALL HAVE TO REALIZE. Cos I beat him to the punch, that's why I'm soooo cool. I know it's weird to you all. But if Iwasn't talking shit, I would've never told him what I said.. YEAH i told him, allll of it. but whatever.. I don't think I am a hypocrite but believe what you want. I see it differently..

I'm gonna admit, at a point I was moving on but I wasn't over it.

I was "in love" with the niggga, yet I still love the nigga because to say I "loved" him would mean I never did. Cos there's no such thing as "LOVED" if so.. there never was sucha' thing. I don't resent shitttttt. I don't regret nothing. I disliked the fooool, during the LAME BULLSHIT that was going on but I didn't hate him. But I verrrry verry much disliked him and strongly, YES. But I loved this fool deeeply, and even if he didn't feel the same... All I know my shit, was real and that's why all them words came outta my mouth. Cos I didn't get it? How did that happppen to me? When I didn't do nothing wrong? I coulda doen did a whole lotta shit, and he wouldn't have known but there's one thing I do know. AND THAT'S WHEN SOMEONE SORRY.

BTW, WHY DON'T CHYALLLLLL LISTEN TO MY DAAAMN SONG? maybe you'll get his view a bit. Cos I sure do. I'm fucking understanding. BTW, I know I ain't right all the time.. But I do got a right point to this, but I know at some points I am wrong. Like I was wrong about cal being the influence when that wasn't the case.

why now?

We can't change what happened, but we sure can make it better than it was just not exactly how it was. I told you it's like a vase.. Once you break it, you can try putting it back together but it's never gonna be the same. You may get close to it, but thats' about it. But I wanna get over the past, I just wanna be good. How I feel/felt, is still the same and will always be.

I remember reading this in the beginning of our relationship. And this ish is way true, it reminded me of me&YOU.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before and she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

Awareness.

I'm taking second glances, before giving chances, cos while time passes..
hah, you don't know what happens. That's what I say. And trueee datttt!

Spring break, it was all good. MAB made my whole breakkkk, from being so EH WHATEVER! Me and him are on good terms, and I'd have it like that rather than bad.. shit. Anywho! Lately has been good, cept idk people are getting on my dam nerves. Saying I'm tryig to PORTRAY TO BE SOMETHING/SOMEONE I'M NOT. Like really, why do I need to do that? Some been saying some dumb shit to, like I doshit undercover.. I don't need to sneak around doing shit, first of all. SO WHAT'RE YOU SAYING? Think what you want, but honey you know soo damn little. Your just maddd. I'm happy to atleast be of any comfort or support to those that know i'll hold them down and try my best. Makes me feel better(: But from what I learned about the situation my friend was in.. Made me aware, about my surroundings and others. I'm really taking that in, cos I'm really watching my back now. Ima keeep my shit on theee low, and myself cos daaaamn people be WHOOOO..! I just been chilling back, kicking it. I got no time for the dumb-ish ass drama, damn piss offs! But anywhos.. Idcare what they have to say cos I ain't making dumb decisions. I'm just doing ME, so let me theee f*ck be! I'm gaining weight which I'm happy of, and gaining my strength back as well. YEEEE! Things are doing good, nothing bad. i'm taking the good with the bad (; ahahaha. I want to be proven, I want things to be earned.. other than taken for granted or taken advantage of. It's funny how I just smileee shit off now too. AHHHHHHHHH MAN..! Everytimesomething happens, it just pushes me fartherrrrr from who I was and makes a lil change in me. I'm turning more careless, seems kinda mean but na' its just making me who i am with how other are being towards me or have effected me. VIBESSSS SUCKKKKKKK, THO they are good. It sucks to know that some people lie right in front of your face. THE TRUTH HURTS AND LIES KILL, so just be blunt and straiiight forward.. No pain, no gain. SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

&btw, i got no freaaaakin internet. SO i'm more bored than usual. I go out with my usuals, have fun. And damn jerkin is an excercise.. I'm doing justa quick blog-.- cos i been on this shit for awhile AND I DONT' LIKE IT. AAAAAAAAGHHH..! I FEEL BAD, THAT I USE MAINE OR JOJO'S COMP OR LAPTOP JUST TO GO ON MYSPACE OR THIS SHIT. UGH* i love em' they do a lot for me, and try there best. i preciate every bit of it. HELLLLLA. but that's it for my blogggggg. PEACE!

Be through with talking and let me face.

Overall.. Though you've negelected my trust and abused my love, I ain't boutta just lose a friendship over some dumbshit. But do you understand MY TRUST IS EARNED. Most of what you say is just complete bullshit to me, and trust me honey' I got my reasons. You said a lot once before, so shame on you. I may have forgaveeee, but I sure as hell ain't forgotten. We all make mistakes, and I hope you've learned. You say you do.. We cool babyboy, but don't get me wrong. I expect the unexpected, and I plan to surprised. I'm done with the running of your mouth, so prove it&BE REAL! I'm done with you speaking in tounge, do it in deed. TALK I$ CHEAP, I ain't buying it.


GAME RECOGNIZE, GAME.
Don't play with me, cos you'll find yourself played with. Cos I sure ain't someone to be fucked with or fucked around with. Cos you went from clas$ to ass. But just cos I was crying don't mean I am the victim, It just means I was just scared to let him go cos some otha chick might getem' .. And that was my fault, it was my decision. I never shoulda put my heart in my mind's position. But I couldn't shake him, he was like a bad habit. All this for a nigga, that was doing some average nigga shit. Like talking outta the side of his neck, and thinking with his dick. But I must admit, he was the one I wanted to commit. So either I wasn't living up to my potential, or I was just an average chick.. but I choose to believe I was a woman caught up in a feeling both physical and emotional who was wayyy to willing to give her all to a man.

How can something so good go so bad?

I can say we are fair now. We aren't the same, and we merely are different. You changed, and it has changed me. And that's completely fine. I think about it, yet.. I don't miss it. Nor' do I regret it. Only thing that actually bugged my mind and had me thinking was the friend I had lost. The one I once knew, and no longer know. It's cool, shit happens things change. YES, I know. I just hope you got something out of it, cos sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that did. But eh, i wouldn't know right? Hah. You made a move, so I did as well. It's like a chess game. You made your move, I make mines. You try to move me, but I can make a double comeback. You can take most of them down, but all that matters is if you KING ME! And it didn't quiet go that way.. Cos you were right all along.. You can only push a person so far. And yeah, I was fed up. I gave up, I let go. Since that's what you gave me, a flag down. But not cos I'm weak(: I hope you know and see that.

I guess I'm the queeen. CROWN ME! HAY(;

Honey,

You can't have your cake and eat it too.(: I thought you knew?!

I ain't got no time for fools. I done cut my loss of letdowns. First off don't neglect the trust I give you, secondly don't abuse the love I've given to you. Cos my shit is earned, not just given out. It's pure. I don't need anything absurd. I may love deeply honey, but shit.. That don't mean I can't dislike strongly. I ain't letting my energy get put to waste. You got it alll wrong. Get right.. or get LEFT. It just helps me take a BIGGER STEP.

A new outloook

On view on life, has changed a lot after today. Time passes by so quick, you don't even know it. You miss out on things, you don't even realize the changes. Like the old things, compared to what's happening now. And the new things, and looking back before them. Those before us, and those that'll come after.. The little ones have grown so quick, and I am growing. It's like a quick flashback at the past, everytime something new arrives. Like the new babyboy that'll be arriving plus another from the other side(Mexican fam). Coming into the world, into our generation. Which has turned pretty much into a dissapointment..-_- But hopefully that all changes during a period of time. I'm praying.. One thing I can appreciate is what my Aunt told me about what my little sisters say, when I'M NOT AROUND! HAH. She was telling me about how they are proud of me and are grateful and thankful to have me as a big sister. Had me tearing up, but I didn't cry. It was good to hear. When I'm gone, I check up. When I get mad, I even say sorry. I may be mean, but shit tough love and they know that.(; I'm happy they do! And that they see it, and 'preciate it. Shit some older sisters don't even do that shit.. some just don't give a crappppp *ahem* coughcough* liek this one girl.. but back to what i was saying! I love my little sisters, and I just had a swell day seeing my whole filipino family after so long. Getting reunited with them, dang felt good. Other than my hair looking like crap, the ice cream cake made my day. 3 peices of it..! Yeahup, ICE CREAM CAKE IS THE SHITTT. CAKE IS eh, alright.. Hah, and I'm pretty pumped that I'm weight gainging (; ahahaha. gainging weight, whatevs. I'm even gainging muscle too, muahahah healthy me.

I'm happy to see shit's getting better.

It could get better, and will be better. TRUST THAT MUCH ;D

LMAO

IDKnow, why they think so highly of themselves when they are above their standards. Like really, they ain't nothing but what they think they are. And what they pretend to be, but it's cool. Still in that phaze, I see. They ain't quiet past it, won't be.. I think it's gonna take awhile. But they just lost, they just don't see it. You'll realize and recognize sometime.. Maybe just not now. You're trying to portray a image, that's not you. Stop tryna' blennnndddddd ya' fool.

Went to Lao New Year, saw some cuties. Dang, btu they all look the same, as thatttt one. -_-' so I'm straight. I want that difff shit, not that tip shit. aahahah. Man the foood sucked, this new yr. sucked BALLS! Headed back home,got picked up watched Haunting in Conneticuit. It was ok, nothing I reccomend. I knew it was gonna be eh.. But I did jump a couple times, I'm happy I had someone to be there(: (; missed him. No one was home, kept tryna call or text parentals but they didn't respond. So chilled back at his pad, forawhile. It was cool. Came home 11ish or 12ish. Latest I been home inawhile. I ain't feeling to well after taking those pills. I feeel drowzy.. And my throat feels weird, plus my tumtum..-.- daaaaaaaamn man. I'm bouuuutsta crash, peace!

Random.

I had the weirdest dream. But all I remember is.. _______ gave me something heart shaped, and told me to watch over it or keep my eye on it. But I ended up losing it and panicked!? Then I just woke up.. I'm curious, if it's a sign. Cos' right about now.. I'm pretty intrested. Hah. No..! really though C(; I have thought that he's a cutesy, who knows? Maybe it does mean something.

NOTE TO SELF:

I am tempted to be lured by passion, but thought there is conflict in between. I don't want to enter something dramatic, it can reactivate a recent emotional power struggle that isn't quiet yet ready to be put to rest just yet.. It's an experience of temporary re;ief, and I can't escape the frustration that increases tomorrow's opposition. Stuck between, yes and no. Enabling me to put my best foot forwar, but it's impulsive into a restrictive opposition to slow down and get IT RIGHT BEFORE CONTINUING AHEAD. I'm keeping a healthy perespective. But while recovering form the ehaviness of yesterday's, I face a different kind of discomfort/ Instead od being constrained by responsibilities, today encourages spontaneity. Rather than preventing of doing what i want, serious annoying is taking authorative. Playtime is over and I must think again about the work week ahead.

MUST DO

I have to tie up loose ends, and be motivated to be more productive no matter how I feel. I have to schedule it in BETWEEN.