give it from your heart is what you taught me, addiction to pain is what it got me.

You see.. The same one I’m missing is basically the reason, I became something different. And just that I remember me before and if you could do the same baby, then we’ll be for sure.

Start out slowly, you can always say more later.

It's hard to know how much to discuss and how much to keep quiet.

NOTHING AND SOMETHING

"i dont know why we all hang on to something we know we're better off letting go. its like we're scared to lose what we really dont have. some of us say we'd rather have something than nothing at all, but the truth is, to have something halfway is harder than having nothing at all"..

Jennikas blogs, NICE!

Worth Keeping.
At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes — that invasion of personal space — it can be exactly what you need.
Its not easy being in a relationship much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage.

I don't mind keepin' it strong..

But that's if nigga don't DO ME WRONG.
It'sall on him. I've done my part, but I will help.

If you know better, do better, be better!

We are, we can, and WE WILL. I feel that begin to get better slowly.. He's earning, and gaining it. It's just gonna take time. Les' see if he can keep it up.

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle . But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

like DZEAMNN!

Do you know why we engage in drugs and alcohol? Do things with boys we don't even like? Are constantly out even with no downtime? Its because this fast life is an easy distraction to how I really feel. And if you ever felt like I felt, you know EXACTLY what I mean.

not what i want, but what i gotta

A dude will do whatever he pleases, but in his mind he'll know what he want. If he really wants someting, he'll work for it, earn it, and gettttt it! No matter how much other chances/oppurtunites he has in store.. He'd do what he feels is right, and good for him. He'll be persistent, and decide what he truly wants// Maybe after realizing, learning, gaining, and experiencing a few more things. However this turns out, it'll be for the best. I just wanna see if what you say isss true, and if it is.. TRUSTTTTT THAT YOU'D LET MEEEE KNOW, even if we ain't together. Just cos we ain't together don't mean WE AIN'T COMMITED. I love you with all of my heart, deep down I can feel it in my soul. But do you think you feel it in yours? To want somethinnnng so bad, you'll do whatever it takes. Well I sure am, that's why I'm doing this.
I've stuck with you, regardless. No matter what, I've held you down. What do you think that means and proves? A LOTTTTT... But yet, I knwo you'll think otherwise. But it's not like that. Like I said " I don't believe it till' i see it." Even if I ain't with you.. don't mean you shouldn't still be how you were like when you were in it. But itzzzzzup to youuu! I ain't making a easy way outtt, I ain't doing this FOR NOTHING!? IM DOING IT TO SEE IF YOU'LL ACTUALLY SHOW AND PROVE!! This is not fucking revenge, I don't neeed to get even. There's no point, and I sure as hell ain't tryna get back... Do you not see I'd only get back with you? Take you back, let you come back! YOU HAVEN'T FUCKING, LOST ME! IM STILLL FUCKING HERE! YOUR JUST scared of losing me, when I'm more scared of you losing yourself.. Which I hope won't happen, but that's on you yet again! I hope you don't slipppp..

"if you treat me fairly i'll give you all my goods, treat you like a real woman should. baby, I know you're worth it. if you never play me, promise not to bluff. i'll hold you down when shit gets rough. baby, I know you're worth it. i'd roll the mile, make you smile, all the while being true don't take for granted the passion that i have for you"

I dont believe it, till I see it.

And she done heard so many lies. She don't know what's true or not.
Shawty like a valet service, I swear she been through A LOT.

To let go&CLEANSE THE SOUL.

To err is human; to forgive is interplanetary.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

AMEN.

Forgiveness, acceptence, and change.

I've forgiven him completely, yet for her.. I still keep praying, and yet she still tempts me. Even without tryin' to do so. Everytime I think about it, her, what happened.. It makes my adrenaline pump, my blood, and veins.. She makes me feel hyped. And it's funny... And I know she may have told me most of the shit that went down, but you don't try to act like your all innocent and an angel. I see past FACE, and look at value. And you aren't worth shit! You make it seem like you didn't do shit PERIOD!? When actually, your still the same desperate pathetic skank I always thought you were.. MMMmmmm mmmm! And whatta shammmeeeee... Nor' do I make myself seem so important, do I have to twist&makestuff. Cos none of that was real. It's not talking shit either, it's the pure truth. Cos your nothing but a lie, trying to act like the victim. You were just a mistake. And I'm sorry, nor' does he regret it. It's a lesson learn(I hope). &I will get mines oneeee day, I count on it. And I'll be leaving a mark, just as you did on mines.. But worse, on your face. And I mean that, every WORD. Cos you don't tamper with what's mines and expect to get away with it so easy. Don't underestimate me sweeeeettttaayyy. I ain't dumb.. You are, hahahah. Cos I still got mines, and what do you have? NOTHING. I'm the winnner, and sadlyyyyy.. You're the loserrrrr, cos you ain't got what you wanted. And atleast, I have the utt-most self respect for myself.. Rather than be you or even act like you and disrespect myself and body. That's a damn pity, but I ain't no simp..

TRUST is

Most important, but most def. the hardest to grasp.

How do you do it?

The pain I'm concealing, sure as hell has no real healing. It's gonna be in back of my mind 24/7, all of it! I wasn't ready fro all that shit in the beginning over the other's mistakes, but trusttt.. THAT IT HIT ME HARRRD! Tho' I promised myself I wouldn't deal with that typeee bullshit shit anymore, I delt with it. But I'm back better and stronger, and prepared. Cos it's still wow... something I can't imagine. I still can't believe it. But no one's innocent, even if that's the image you portray and what you make yourself seem like. Just sometimes a guy gets all wrapped up and fucking curious, that they take any oppurtunity they can get.. Which is a real shame, and pity. When they know they got a good thang' thatll always stick by their side. Thats why guys neeed to control that shit in their pants and keep it there!.. Cos girls are getting tired of it.. All the dumb shit you putem' through. You don;t needa take every chance you get.. you don't have to, don't got to. It's cos YOU WANT TO.

Yet, everybody makes mistakes. So understandable.. But fool me once, shame on you. FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME. So let the damn games begin if you wanna play, but I don't like to play games.. I want something real. I just want honesty, trust, and what I've given you(for me to receive). It's not good to feel like this, I have accepted and trying to forget about it again.. But I'm not tryna put myself up to get hurt a second time and 10045789times worse.. Dude? Cmon' now.. It'll hit me when I can cool down and cool oofffff, but just know I got my guard up for the right reasons. NOT THE WRONG ONES. I know what I want, and I've told you many timees... But sometimes, I feel doubt.

Lately I just been having some bad dreams, sucks how it's always about him.. doing some stupid shit.-______________- People say "Idk, how you do it jessica?" Shittttt, idk how I do either.. But I guess my love is actually that real and that fuckkking strong to stick with a dudeeee who has done me sooo wronggg, when I just want him to actually OPEN HIS EYES AND SEE WHAT HE HAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, not all around him. Cos I CAN SEE what we can be, BUT IT all matters on IF HE DOES AS MUCH AS I DO... Cos honestly, from what I know and see now. I will never actually knwo the truth. And it sucks, yes..

But I made my choice with what I want,

I just hope he actually has learned and realizes and does shit right this time..

We'd never know what's wrong without the pain.

It's tough to sustain a feeling once it's been expressed. Though I lean towards peace and simple pleasure, but stability is hard to find cos whats hit me mentally from my past.

Kno she in the game, But Kno she don't play.

"She known to be a cheater but that's only if you let her and I got it together so when they try to deter me its like whatever" DRIZZY

If you want what you want, you have to give me what I WANT.

LAST TRY/LAST CHANCE

Ashley is right and wise, hellla. Its time to accept and forgive,
I don't wanna be filled with bittterness and hate.. I'ma just pray for the girl.

FORGIVENESS.

Do your part,

Don't dishearten things, like you did before.. Cos' this is your last chance. Show me all you got and gimme' all you got. Give me your best, like I did. If you really want something you'll get it, and not just try.. But TRY HARD for it, and actually earn and deserve it.

Disheartened - made less hopeful or enthusiastic;felt discouraged by the magnitude of the problem

Real eyes realize real lies like I said,

The eyes can tell soo much, cos I swear.. They lead to the soul. And I see passed all the bullshit. Though I was in denial, and TRYING to believe everything you'd say it didn't work.. It didn't feel right, to try and forget about it, to pretend liek it never happen, to just leave it without explanation. None of it made sense. All you did was make things up, leave things out. You even made promises, brokem' all over again.. Swore, and made it seemed like "You don't believe me" blahhhblahhh-.- Whole truth? That was a little of the truth, not all. MOST OF IT ALL, WAS LIES. And to find it all out from someone I don't know. SOMEONE you made seem all bad. You made them seem like they DID EVERYTHING!? When my dear, it takes to. Don't play a player, they say.. I may not be a player, but I sure as hell know the game but I ain't one to play games. But I ain't blind, nor dumb or stupid. I've known you for how long.. I've been with you how long.. And been through soo much crap with you!? And you acted all innnocent. You were guility before being proved innocent.. No one is a bad person, no one is perfect. WE JUST MAKE BAD DECISIONS, were human. but IDGAF if you can't change it, you coulda PREVENTED IT. And I swore I knew you better, but I still know you. I still see the good in you overall. Better than any chick or homie I will always fucking know you, THE REAL YOU.. Don't fuck with me when it comes out with spilling the beans, cos I'll CAN OPEN THAT SHIT QUICK AS A MOFO! I've done soo much.. And you don't get it. I was willing to do a lot, drop it all and get over it. Just for you to be completly honest, YET YOU COULDN'T DO THAT but let me down over and over again! What does that show ? What does that prove? NOTHING! Just that it was all a BIG FATTTT LIEEEE! I KNOW YOU WERE SCARED TO LOSE, But you just lost so much all over again. Maybe not me, but my trust.. And you gotta gain and earn that all back. And gainging my trust back is hard.. it ain't easy. And that was your fault, you don't blame other people for your decisions. You had no excuse or reasons, for your actions or reactions. You didn't make yourself look bad, or go on a bad path. If your friends were so real, they would tell you wssup. Be upfront, not encourage(whether or not they did), not just let you do whatever if they care sooo much. BUT THEY'D TALK TO YOU, RO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. We all knwo right from wrong, and I know they do just like you. And they couldn't stop you? Start making a change for the good, and don't go back on the wrong path. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.. And if you want me, that means ACTUALLY GIVE ME BACK WHAT I GIVE YOU.. TRUST. HONESTY. RESPECT. FAIRNESS. YOUR BEST! cOS i DID MY PART A LOOONG TIME AGO, EVEN TILL NOW... Now it's your turn.

You should actually show that your appreciative, grateful and thankful. And if I don't see that, Idk why I'm here.. SO show and prove it to me for once, and just quit with all the bullshit, This is the last straw, and I'm gettting tired.. YOU CAN ONLY PUSH A PERSON SO FAR LIKE, YOU SAID. So take that in.

Beautiful Happenings.

It's getting better day by day, and I can now say LIFE IS GRAND. He is golden, and my friends are the shiz. I'm happy to see I still great friendships' going on even if we don't hang or tak too much. I've found tranquility and myself. I'm much more happier with how I'm handling things and am being nowadays. Instead of being mad, I'd rather be glad. I can't even be upset anymore, it just turns into a smile and laughter. Cos' its not that serious..!? I like the fact that there's something to look forward to the next day. Who brightens your day, and leaves you joy-filled. Someone who is an inspiration and also a motivation. I have determination in me that I've never felt before. Maybe it is true what they say...

You have to go through the worse before it gets better.

Your woman may be cool, but know she ain't no damn fool.

I've been on a evolutionary path. I wanna have a healthy relationship, I'm learning how to handle things well. I'm not worried about things reverting to how they once were. I'm not tryna look back anymore.

I just hope he says what he means, and means what he says.

The sky is the limit
Reality is bumping into my desire to acheive high, and I'm tempted to reach for the stars! But yet, I'm still concerned with my work(the quality). AAAGHHHHH, I gotta get summer school over with-______-.

I am the entree, you ain't gonna need no damn sidedish.

If you wanna play a game, I ain't playing.. It'll be GAME OVER. Cos I ain't with it. It was either get with it or get fuckiiiin' lost. You got soo much to say, but understand that you had to prove me wrong.. You're the one who has to try. I know what I deserve and what I'm worth. I ain't no fcking fool, I don't delt with the bullshit before. Play your fucking cards right for a change, cos you ain't needed. I'd rather be alone than with some dude, whose doing the same old thang.. It's old, so get with the program.

Open up your eyes and see what we could be.

I'm holding back my love for you, and I know we won't grow if I don't let it go.. but I wanna see how serious you are about us. But I've seen your trying, you've changed, learned and realized. But as much as I see it all, everything before is still stuck in my dome and keeps me where I am. I don't know what to do.. I'm just afraid, scared and in fear.. Of feeling how I once did, by taking a risk. Giving you my trust and you neglecting it or getting my love and abusing it. To feel it, twice as bad as the last time is the consequence if I let down my guard. Can you understand that..?? I wanna get better, I wannna be good. It's just gonna take time..

On Your End Its Simple

All you have to do is give me no reason for other lovers after you .

3250860908 Some is what you realized, just not enough to understand.

I will believe what I may, but I will try to get over it. As I wanna recover from it and have forgiven it, I will never forget it. I can't. It's nothing easy, if anything it's hard. This is something that made the biggest change in myself. With trust, and that is everything to me. The feeling of with what had happened made a huge and badd, yet good effect on me. I see how I act, I know how I do. Though I still see me, and who I am. Who I've become and became.

And most of the time I don't mean to, but I keep it pushing. I'm shoving... And I can't stop myself, so all I expect from all this is to be left. With or without him. And if it happens, I guess it does. Cos I see all the signs all over again. I know wat I started in the beginning, and what I kept up even till now. And there's consequences to that. But if one is truly worth having they'll go through the roughest of things no matter how hard the wall is. Cos real love is stronger than that. They'll get through the ups and downs, and we've had huge ones yet got over them. Which I'm hoping to with the last ones... Though I know a person can only handle soo much, a person can bare so much hurt in one organ. Just one organ, like wow. It was like a POW TO MY CHEST!

To never imagine feeling that down, to come back up again and just build their wall 107456789x times stronger.. To have their guard up at all times and wear their heart on their sleeve like they once did before fallling in thatttt deeep when you told yourself you never wanted to end up in that position. All I wanna do is get mines, and get it bad. I'm losing it, I'm losing him. But I still do love him, an always will. If he gives up that's his choice, he'll have it. But that's just the easy way, yup. But I do know what I want and once had.. I wanna be with this guy. I know what I had with him, and I led it to how it ended up and where it will now. Yet part of, is him. I know what I do is complicating. I know how I am is difficult and who I am is confusing.

Just can you understand why?

When I love, I LOVE. When I care, I care. I treat that person who means a lot in my life, right. I treat them how they wanna be treated. I let them know I want them to be in my life and a part. I don't not. Cos its what I want, it's how I feel. I put it out there and I ain't scared to show it. I do what I can, and I give my best an the most I can give. Though I'm maddddddddd crazy saying all the most mean/hatred crap outta my mouth!? I MAKE UP FOR IT. I know how my attitude is, and ITS BAD. My temper can be out of control. And at times I let it, I let it take control. Cos I've cared tooo damn much.. I gave me, I gave what I could and had. I gave my all to one person! TO LET ME DOWN!!! It only takes one person to do so much, an change your life. I want the passion, affection, time attenion and respect I give.. I wanna receive what they get from me!! I want them to understand I wanna feel all that. I want that pure and real love. Cos I cherish every moment I have with that person and I know damn well they see it. Their just too damn blind to see that I truly love them but I'm just too damn afraid to falll soooo deep and feeel soo low all over agin. That it just automaticlly puhed now, ever since all the damn mistakes and deceivement and false is started. I'm not dumb. I've seen, I've heard, Ive experienced.. Maybe not all, but from what I had/have I just want a guy who will speak out and put out the respect I&him will need. I need someone who'll put in effot and work with me on us. TOGETHER! Someone who'll make me feel secure and be able to trust, wherever they are doing whatever their doing. Someone who gives reassurance, and just makes me feel like the only damn one. One that'll show their grattitude and appreciation. One that is thankful for all i've done. One that will love me for me. For who I am and how I am and will accept my flaws and looked passed my imperfections. I want that boy i fell in love with.. from febvday07-07summer and always had hope on. One that doesn't need to lose me to realize what he HAS. And one that desn't lose himself because who he's with or around.. Or does dumbass favors for their lameasss homeboy just because their dumbass can't get none but hoes. But best believe I don't need no dumbass man who does favors and does shit for their homie. Cos that just proves he's the still same little boy I once knew at that moment and time when he messed up. SAME SHIT, ANDI DON'T NEED IT. I don't wanna deal with it. I want a boy away from it. From that little kid shit, and matures up a bit. He is nothing close to the boy I knew. He changed, and yeah changes come buif lovewas strong that wouln't change. And it did.. for him. Never did for me, even now. He just doesn't get it, and he ddesn't see it. If he wants me to OPEN MY EYES, he should and actually look at wht he's become. Cos I don't like it, I may love him but that ain't helping us out.

No one sees what I see.

So I guess something's getting to me a bit. How the word "hypocrite" describes me.. I guess, I am. Idknow.-.- It's bugging my membrane though, I mean hellla. I am a forgiving person but when I'm mad. I'm realll mad! And I seem to speak out my throat A LOTTTT. Madness is one word to put it. What I felt was hurt, and pain. Yet, I still can forgive. I've learned a lot during these past yrs. and that is forgiving is the hardest things but tho' it is.. You have to do it also to forgive yourself and move along. I may have said a lot of things, but I had every right too. And none whatsoever was talking shit, it was the truth. His name was like a bad taste in my mouth, but even if things have a bad taste.. The aftertaste is still left there. And I guess, it still buggged me. It wasn't hard to get over, I tried. And I ain't I still love the dude. I admit. He did me wrong, yeah he did all I never imagined he would. It was alll unexpected, but so did I. I didn't let it go any farther though, and I'm proud of myself. Though everyone looks at him bad.. I know him well, I know him like no one else does. "I can't NOT KNOW HIM", LIKE I ONCE SAID BEFORE OR EVEN TWICE. He can't be a stranger in my life, after all that? I can pass him by, I can ignore him, even avoid him. I CAN DOOOOO ALLL THAT. But tt ain't all that easy for me to let go.. not just of what we had.. But the friendship. I still see a lot in him, and through him though he left me with a letdown.. And dissapointment, there was a point where I didn't know him anymore. But thing is.. I still see theeeeeeee GOOD IN HIM. THE TRYING. THE PROVING. The eyes are the windows to the soul.. BEST BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE I FUCKING SEEE IT. AND I SEE IT CLEAR, that he is sorry. And I've forgiven now all I got left is to just take it in. I didn't waste my time, cos I played him at his own game. And that's one thing YOU ALL HAVE TO REALIZE. Cos I beat him to the punch, that's why I'm soooo cool. I know it's weird to you all. But if Iwasn't talking shit, I would've never told him what I said.. YEAH i told him, allll of it. but whatever.. I don't think I am a hypocrite but believe what you want. I see it differently..

I'm gonna admit, at a point I was moving on but I wasn't over it.

I was "in love" with the niggga, yet I still love the nigga because to say I "loved" him would mean I never did. Cos there's no such thing as "LOVED" if so.. there never was sucha' thing. I don't resent shitttttt. I don't regret nothing. I disliked the fooool, during the LAME BULLSHIT that was going on but I didn't hate him. But I verrrry verry much disliked him and strongly, YES. But I loved this fool deeeply, and even if he didn't feel the same... All I know my shit, was real and that's why all them words came outta my mouth. Cos I didn't get it? How did that happppen to me? When I didn't do nothing wrong? I coulda doen did a whole lotta shit, and he wouldn't have known but there's one thing I do know. AND THAT'S WHEN SOMEONE SORRY.

BTW, WHY DON'T CHYALLLLLL LISTEN TO MY DAAAMN SONG? maybe you'll get his view a bit. Cos I sure do. I'm fucking understanding. BTW, I know I ain't right all the time.. But I do got a right point to this, but I know at some points I am wrong. Like I was wrong about cal being the influence when that wasn't the case.

why now?

We can't change what happened, but we sure can make it better than it was just not exactly how it was. I told you it's like a vase.. Once you break it, you can try putting it back together but it's never gonna be the same. You may get close to it, but thats' about it. But I wanna get over the past, I just wanna be good. How I feel/felt, is still the same and will always be.

I remember reading this in the beginning of our relationship. And this ish is way true, it reminded me of me&YOU.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before and she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

Awareness.

I'm taking second glances, before giving chances, cos while time passes..
hah, you don't know what happens. That's what I say. And trueee datttt!

Spring break, it was all good. MAB made my whole breakkkk, from being so EH WHATEVER! Me and him are on good terms, and I'd have it like that rather than bad.. shit. Anywho! Lately has been good, cept idk people are getting on my dam nerves. Saying I'm tryig to PORTRAY TO BE SOMETHING/SOMEONE I'M NOT. Like really, why do I need to do that? Some been saying some dumb shit to, like I doshit undercover.. I don't need to sneak around doing shit, first of all. SO WHAT'RE YOU SAYING? Think what you want, but honey you know soo damn little. Your just maddd. I'm happy to atleast be of any comfort or support to those that know i'll hold them down and try my best. Makes me feel better(: But from what I learned about the situation my friend was in.. Made me aware, about my surroundings and others. I'm really taking that in, cos I'm really watching my back now. Ima keeep my shit on theee low, and myself cos daaaamn people be WHOOOO..! I just been chilling back, kicking it. I got no time for the dumb-ish ass drama, damn piss offs! But anywhos.. Idcare what they have to say cos I ain't making dumb decisions. I'm just doing ME, so let me theee f*ck be! I'm gaining weight which I'm happy of, and gaining my strength back as well. YEEEE! Things are doing good, nothing bad. i'm taking the good with the bad (; ahahaha. I want to be proven, I want things to be earned.. other than taken for granted or taken advantage of. It's funny how I just smileee shit off now too. AHHHHHHHHH MAN..! Everytimesomething happens, it just pushes me fartherrrrr from who I was and makes a lil change in me. I'm turning more careless, seems kinda mean but na' its just making me who i am with how other are being towards me or have effected me. VIBESSSS SUCKKKKKKK, THO they are good. It sucks to know that some people lie right in front of your face. THE TRUTH HURTS AND LIES KILL, so just be blunt and straiiight forward.. No pain, no gain. SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

&btw, i got no freaaaakin internet. SO i'm more bored than usual. I go out with my usuals, have fun. And damn jerkin is an excercise.. I'm doing justa quick blog-.- cos i been on this shit for awhile AND I DONT' LIKE IT. AAAAAAAAGHHH..! I FEEL BAD, THAT I USE MAINE OR JOJO'S COMP OR LAPTOP JUST TO GO ON MYSPACE OR THIS SHIT. UGH* i love em' they do a lot for me, and try there best. i preciate every bit of it. HELLLLLA. but that's it for my blogggggg. PEACE!

Be through with talking and let me face.

Overall.. Though you've negelected my trust and abused my love, I ain't boutta just lose a friendship over some dumbshit. But do you understand MY TRUST IS EARNED. Most of what you say is just complete bullshit to me, and trust me honey' I got my reasons. You said a lot once before, so shame on you. I may have forgaveeee, but I sure as hell ain't forgotten. We all make mistakes, and I hope you've learned. You say you do.. We cool babyboy, but don't get me wrong. I expect the unexpected, and I plan to surprised. I'm done with the running of your mouth, so prove it&BE REAL! I'm done with you speaking in tounge, do it in deed. TALK I$ CHEAP, I ain't buying it.


GAME RECOGNIZE, GAME.
Don't play with me, cos you'll find yourself played with. Cos I sure ain't someone to be fucked with or fucked around with. Cos you went from clas$ to ass. But just cos I was crying don't mean I am the victim, It just means I was just scared to let him go cos some otha chick might getem' .. And that was my fault, it was my decision. I never shoulda put my heart in my mind's position. But I couldn't shake him, he was like a bad habit. All this for a nigga, that was doing some average nigga shit. Like talking outta the side of his neck, and thinking with his dick. But I must admit, he was the one I wanted to commit. So either I wasn't living up to my potential, or I was just an average chick.. but I choose to believe I was a woman caught up in a feeling both physical and emotional who was wayyy to willing to give her all to a man.

How can something so good go so bad?

I can say we are fair now. We aren't the same, and we merely are different. You changed, and it has changed me. And that's completely fine. I think about it, yet.. I don't miss it. Nor' do I regret it. Only thing that actually bugged my mind and had me thinking was the friend I had lost. The one I once knew, and no longer know. It's cool, shit happens things change. YES, I know. I just hope you got something out of it, cos sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that did. But eh, i wouldn't know right? Hah. You made a move, so I did as well. It's like a chess game. You made your move, I make mines. You try to move me, but I can make a double comeback. You can take most of them down, but all that matters is if you KING ME! And it didn't quiet go that way.. Cos you were right all along.. You can only push a person so far. And yeah, I was fed up. I gave up, I let go. Since that's what you gave me, a flag down. But not cos I'm weak(: I hope you know and see that.

I guess I'm the queeen. CROWN ME! HAY(;

Honey,

You can't have your cake and eat it too.(: I thought you knew?!

I ain't got no time for fools. I done cut my loss of letdowns. First off don't neglect the trust I give you, secondly don't abuse the love I've given to you. Cos my shit is earned, not just given out. It's pure. I don't need anything absurd. I may love deeply honey, but shit.. That don't mean I can't dislike strongly. I ain't letting my energy get put to waste. You got it alll wrong. Get right.. or get LEFT. It just helps me take a BIGGER STEP.

A new outloook

On view on life, has changed a lot after today. Time passes by so quick, you don't even know it. You miss out on things, you don't even realize the changes. Like the old things, compared to what's happening now. And the new things, and looking back before them. Those before us, and those that'll come after.. The little ones have grown so quick, and I am growing. It's like a quick flashback at the past, everytime something new arrives. Like the new babyboy that'll be arriving plus another from the other side(Mexican fam). Coming into the world, into our generation. Which has turned pretty much into a dissapointment..-_- But hopefully that all changes during a period of time. I'm praying.. One thing I can appreciate is what my Aunt told me about what my little sisters say, when I'M NOT AROUND! HAH. She was telling me about how they are proud of me and are grateful and thankful to have me as a big sister. Had me tearing up, but I didn't cry. It was good to hear. When I'm gone, I check up. When I get mad, I even say sorry. I may be mean, but shit tough love and they know that.(; I'm happy they do! And that they see it, and 'preciate it. Shit some older sisters don't even do that shit.. some just don't give a crappppp *ahem* coughcough* liek this one girl.. but back to what i was saying! I love my little sisters, and I just had a swell day seeing my whole filipino family after so long. Getting reunited with them, dang felt good. Other than my hair looking like crap, the ice cream cake made my day. 3 peices of it..! Yeahup, ICE CREAM CAKE IS THE SHITTT. CAKE IS eh, alright.. Hah, and I'm pretty pumped that I'm weight gainging (; ahahaha. gainging weight, whatevs. I'm even gainging muscle too, muahahah healthy me.

I'm happy to see shit's getting better.

It could get better, and will be better. TRUST THAT MUCH ;D

LMAO

IDKnow, why they think so highly of themselves when they are above their standards. Like really, they ain't nothing but what they think they are. And what they pretend to be, but it's cool. Still in that phaze, I see. They ain't quiet past it, won't be.. I think it's gonna take awhile. But they just lost, they just don't see it. You'll realize and recognize sometime.. Maybe just not now. You're trying to portray a image, that's not you. Stop tryna' blennnndddddd ya' fool.

Went to Lao New Year, saw some cuties. Dang, btu they all look the same, as thatttt one. -_-' so I'm straight. I want that difff shit, not that tip shit. aahahah. Man the foood sucked, this new yr. sucked BALLS! Headed back home,got picked up watched Haunting in Conneticuit. It was ok, nothing I reccomend. I knew it was gonna be eh.. But I did jump a couple times, I'm happy I had someone to be there(: (; missed him. No one was home, kept tryna call or text parentals but they didn't respond. So chilled back at his pad, forawhile. It was cool. Came home 11ish or 12ish. Latest I been home inawhile. I ain't feeling to well after taking those pills. I feeel drowzy.. And my throat feels weird, plus my tumtum..-.- daaaaaaaamn man. I'm bouuuutsta crash, peace!

Random.

I had the weirdest dream. But all I remember is.. _______ gave me something heart shaped, and told me to watch over it or keep my eye on it. But I ended up losing it and panicked!? Then I just woke up.. I'm curious, if it's a sign. Cos' right about now.. I'm pretty intrested. Hah. No..! really though C(; I have thought that he's a cutesy, who knows? Maybe it does mean something.

NOTE TO SELF:

I am tempted to be lured by passion, but thought there is conflict in between. I don't want to enter something dramatic, it can reactivate a recent emotional power struggle that isn't quiet yet ready to be put to rest just yet.. It's an experience of temporary re;ief, and I can't escape the frustration that increases tomorrow's opposition. Stuck between, yes and no. Enabling me to put my best foot forwar, but it's impulsive into a restrictive opposition to slow down and get IT RIGHT BEFORE CONTINUING AHEAD. I'm keeping a healthy perespective. But while recovering form the ehaviness of yesterday's, I face a different kind of discomfort/ Instead od being constrained by responsibilities, today encourages spontaneity. Rather than preventing of doing what i want, serious annoying is taking authorative. Playtime is over and I must think again about the work week ahead.

MUST DO

I have to tie up loose ends, and be motivated to be more productive no matter how I feel. I have to schedule it in BETWEEN.

NOTHING BUT, TYPICAL.

Why why why why why why why??? Why is it that I give so much??? I give my love...to all those who take it for granted. I give it to all those who push it aside, shelve it, and save it for only when they may want it. How is it that I constantly find myself stuck in situations that are of my own doing...because I put myself there, knowing beforehand that this could possibly be the outcome? Why do I put faith in people, male and female, only so that I can be let down? How do I always find myself longing for things of the past, knowing it can't ever and shouldn't ever happen again? How is it that I am always trying to compensate for what the people I love may lack, sometimes making me forget who I really am? How, how, how can I do this to myself? How can I disrespect myself, hurt myself? How can I let myself down? Why am I always finding that my burning passion, something so beautiful and strong, often becomes my weakness? If love is such a beautiful thing, why is it that it seems to ruin friendships and disintegrate hope at times? Why is it that men and women seem to respect their love interest more when they barely even know them...and then when they begin to love and get comfortable with one another...they begin to disrespect? What then, is love really?? Is love a false and blind hope we have because we long for something beyond all the negative shit in the world? Is it merely a facade? Two people acting like they're happy, simply disguising how much they've grown apart due to all the times they've been together? Is it all just a contradiction?

If you are a man, you may want to get to know me. You may want to get to know me either to simply get into bed with me, or to see if I'm long-term material. If it's the latter, in the beginning you will probably be intrigued by my attitude. You will probably be interested in everything about me, and want to know everything about me. You will probably want to take me everywhere, show me everything, you probably won't even be able to imagine fighting with me or getting mad at me, because at first it's entirely too new and fresh to sweat the small stuff. You'll probably be eager to capitalize on any chance you may have to be there for me during a hard time because you know it will bring you closer to me. But as time passes, even if I keep you interested, you will get comfortable with me and probably be more open to letting me affect your actions/emotions. You will probably see me in my sweat pants&no makeup more often than in the beginning because we'll see each other more and sleep together, which is supposedly nice, but then again, you'll probably complain that I don't try as hard anymore because you see me more often in sweatpants&no-makeup. You'll probably care less and less about how my day went. You'll probably begin to get angry with me over the littlest things because even though our love is supposedly growing, your patience is certainly diminishing. You'll probably begin to make me cry, something you would have never imagined doing in the beginning. You'll probably want to leave but say you'll stay, or want to stay but say you'll leave because by then your pride will be sky high. With that said, you'll probably value my friendship less and less, and then you'll come to a point where you won't be there for me at all anymore.
Tell me what love is and why it's so beautiful when all humans want is something "new". Why do we long for that "fresh" feeling when we know it won't always be like that? Why is it that love is put on such a pedestal when it seems no one wants to be in love? Why is it that things seem to get worse when love comes into play? I am aware that in so many ways it gets better, but it seems that by the time you're in love, only ONE of the people in love actually SEES the better.